A recent discovery which would blow this mental defective’s mind (if he had one): researchers from the Carleton University, Canada, have uncovered a transitional fossil which reveals the evolutionary trail from land to sea of the pinniped mammal suborder, which includes walruses, sea lions, and seals. Published in last week’s edition of Nature, the 65% complete skeleton was once a heavy-limbed near-cat-sized carnivorous terrestrial mammal with webbed feet and a short, well-built face. Named Puijila darwini, this 23 million-year-old arctic Miocene surpasses the flippered Enaliarctos as the oldest pinniped found to date, its flattened phalanges undoubtably the best 150th anniversary gift for the publication of “On the Origin of Species” that Darwin could possibly have hoped for.
Of course if Darwin had been a crab, and you tried to present him with a couple of webbed feet leading to a sharp-toothed, muscular-jawed face perfectly-suited to crunching, your celebratory efforts are more than likely to have been swiftly rebuffed. Crab-Darwin would be all, “Motherfucker, what the fuck? Are you trying to have my shell infiltrated and my flaky insides consumed by this horrific big-eyed seal-otter hybrid of DEATH? You know what, I want my signed copy of The Origin back. Yes, I’m serious. Jesus Christ, next time I have an anniversary of significance, just buy me a fucking gold watch, okay?”
And then Crab-Darwin would storm out of there, leaving you and Puijila darwini in this fully awkward silence, and Puijila darwini would be all, “I told you this was a bad idea, but you just wouldn’t listen.” And then you’d look away because you actually thought the whole situation was kinda funny but you didn’t want to make things worse by smiling, but you could still totally feel Puijila darwini’s steely side-eye glaring in your direction. But then you realise you’re kinda hungry so you’re like, “Okay fine, you were right. Come on, I’ll buy you lunch.”
“Are we okay?” And then Puijila darwini’s side-eye lowers to a ground-eye and he’s like, “Yeah, I guess.”
And then you’re all, “But you have to admit it was sort of funny when Crab-Darwin’s like, ‘Fuck you, don’t you know who I am? Get me my book, arseholes!’” and Puijila darwini is like, “Ha. Yeah and he’s all, ‘But make sure you wash your hands before giving it back because I don’t want to have to spend the rest of the afternoon freaking out about the germs…’” And you both start laughing until you realise that Crab-Darwin decided to go to the bathroom on the way out so now he’s standing in the doorway, tiny crab-legs on his child-baring crab-hips and he’s like, “Hey arseholes! OCD is a serious problem, okay?!”
When Pigs Fly Returns for taxonomical info.