“Twilight” Conquers Earth, Invades Sea


So I know Twilight is all like super-important to the kids these days, and that it’s the most popular badly-written fiction in the history of the world or something, but I didn’t really think the whole “stoner (/emo) vampire” thing would actually permeate to Under the Sea. Totally didn’t see that one coming. Is nothing immune from this wildly overrated drivel? Nothing? The Natural History Museum of London have just announced the discovery of yet another new species of fish, the Myanmar-native and aptly-named, Danionella dracula or Vampire Fish, a resident zoologist, Dr Ralf Britz, declaring,

“This fish is one of the most extraordinary vertebrates discovered in the last few decades.”

The Museum had kept their D. dracula in captivity for over a year, only recently coming to realise their status as an undiscovered species when they suddenly started dying, the microscopic autopsy treatment on their tiny 15mm minnow-carcases revealing the true glory of their ridiculous fangs. But alas, it wasn’t to be:

“When I preserved them and looked at them under the microscope, I thought, ‘My God, what is this, they can’t be teeth.'”

Turns out they’re just ridiculous “protuberances of the jaw.” Still pretty emo though. I can totally imagine what it would be like at dinnertime with a family of Danionella draculas

So the dad D. dracula is like hardly ever there because he’s this, you know, fully important diplomat in China or something, and the mum D. dracula always makes this massive deal whenever he does come home, like she’s all, “Isn’t this great, all of us having dinner together like this? Who wants more nematodes?” And yeah, sometimes it is kinda cool when he brings back heaps rad presents that like aren’t shit, you know like a DS or something, even though he’s already done that like twice before because he fully gets confused by the different colours and thinks they’re like a whole different thing or something (what a loser), and then he’s all, “ So, how’s school?” and it’s like, “Why? What do you care? Oh right, you pay the fees. Whatever.” And then everyone looks at the dogfish, hoping it would do something cute and, I don’t know, comically-relieving, because it’s fully tense now and the mum D. dracula is like this close to bailing on everyone so she can get her meds from the cabinet and then go sob in her room, but the dogfish is fucking asleep, and not even in like some cute position or anything, just like floating there, twitching.

And then Jamie calls and normally the mum D. dracula would be like, “I’ve told you a thousand times, no phones at the table! You hardly ever see your father, just once I would like to have nice family dinner together. It’s not that difficult, is it? Cut the attitude, both of you. I mean it,” but this time everyone’s like secretly relieved it’s over and disperse from the table like their chairs have just caught on fire or something and the dad D. dracula’s fully thinking, “Christ this blows, I can’t wait to get back to Hong Kong so I can get ripped and bang some hot chicks in my sweet hotel room. How did my wife get so fucking fat? Jesus.”

Fuck you, Meyer!

– bec


Filed under Museum Stuff, New Species!, Random Rants, Sea Creatures

2 responses to ““Twilight” Conquers Earth, Invades Sea

  1. Meyer is the Dan Brown of tween-fiction – just too wrong for words, really

  2. stef

    vampires are the original emos. they spend all day inside, dress in black and are so fucking pale they’re almost see through… i’m off to supre to get me a “i kissed a vampire and i liked it” shirt to wear to HD on thursday…

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