What a Whore

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A team of Australian scientists headed by Doctor John Long of the Museum of Victoria have discovered the earliest indication of vertebrate sexual reproduction, as published in Nature this week. It appears as if internal fertilisation was pioneered by prehistoric armoured fish such as the Austroptyctodus, Incisoscutum, and the Materpiscis attenboroughi, a 380-million-year-old fossil of the latter having been discovered four years ago in Western Australia. This female placoderm was previously believed to have died after ingesting a large meal. It turns out that handful of tiny bones holed up in attenboroughi’s womb actually belonged to a two-inch-long embryo, indicating that this prehistoric shark-thing could well have invented sex. So while all the other fishes were quite content to have their offspring conceived externally, this one thought it would be loads more fun to get mounted. I guess that makes the Materpiscis attenboroughi kind of a whore. And who else had a reputation for being kind of a whore? GINGER.

So then I got to thinking, what would happen if the attenboroughi was suddenly hired to replace her (most likely due to contractual disagreements. Or syphilis), and instead of being marooned with some hot ginger bitch with an inexplicably endless supply of inappropriately lavish outfits, the Professor, Mary-anne and co. got some 380 million-year-old placoderm…

“Skippuuurrrrr…”

“Gilligan, shut up. Just shut up. Listen, I’ve figured out why I’ve been having so many breathing difficulties of late. I’m a fish! I don’t belong here with you lunged bitches! Look at me! Look at this smooth pelvic fin base! That’s not normal! Professor, put down those coconuts, I swear to god… No they are not transmitting! It’s all in your head! They’re fucking coconuts, just plain coconuts, no matter how much you want them to be a radio! Christ. And Mary-anne, sweetheart, no one thinks you’re cute. The only reason we haven’t beat you down and had you for dinner is because sometimes you make some pretty good pancakes. Stop crying. I mean it. Alright, fuck this, I’m out of here. I hope a rescue ship never finds your dumb asses. Haha fuck you too, Professor! What? Transmitting? Really? Oh. How about that. Carry on.”

– bec

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1 Comment

Filed under Fossils, Museum Stuff, Science, Sea Creatures

One response to “What a Whore

  1. Pingback: It’s Not All Mindless Sex With Beautiful Woman, Placoderm « Save Your Breath For Running Ponies

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